The dog I imagined I’d one day have would be at least medium-sized, fast and agile, with sharp, intelligent eyes, and a sleek, flowing mane. A Border Collie ideally, or otherwise a hound of similar classical handsomeness that might bear a striking resemblance to Pierce Brosnan. My dog wouldn’t have some foofy dog name like Scooter or Beanie or Blue. He would have a 19th … Continue reading All dogs are therapy dogs
Hip indie flick “The Descent” has a 700 word plot summary on Wikipedia which I can condense down to its component parts whilst still capturing the full flavor: “They hike up to a cave entrance and descend”, “collapses”, “trapping them”, “breaks her leg”, “neck ripped out”, “Beth begs Sarah to euthanize her”, “psychotic breakdown”, “dragged back and eaten alive”, “Sarah has reached a dead end.” … Continue reading My descent/ How I found religion whilst caving.
The two laziest ethnic slurs are probably “Chinaman” and “Whiteboy.” Lazy, because they’re both just saying what someone is. Interestingly, I’ve been called both. Which should be technically impossible, but the problem you see, is that I am beige. A daywalker. I am a bi-facial. I mean a bi-racial. Or at least I thought I was until my dad told me this most recent Christmas … Continue reading This Christmas, I found out I was part black/ Santa brings the gift of racial ambiguity
“I was afraid I was going to die and then I was afraid I wasn’t” – Cormac McCarthy, Blood Meridian. 2016. Where were you, when you found out I wouldn’t be receiving my present of Christmas turkey from my work? Up yours, 2016. It’s all my fault of course, for having the audacity to be away on the only day they distribute the company gifts of holiday-themed … Continue reading The collective face plant of 2016/ Hopeful predictions for 2017
“The four cornerstones of the American political psyche are 1) emotion substituted for thought, 2) fear, 3) ignorance and 4) propaganda” – Joe Bageant, “Deer Hunting with Jesus: Dispatches from America’s Class War”, 2008 To be fair to our American friends and cousins, the above quote can reasonably be attributed to every single nation on Earth; from fair, gentle Sweden through to the iron hammer … Continue reading Picking a bigger bully: Who reaaaaaly voted for Trump? Who indeed…
Hello friend, do you wish to be as wealthy as me? Do you wish to feel the loving embrace of financial security? Of knowing you’ll always have a roof over your head, warm meals, and a comfortable retirement? Do you hesitate when the server at your local Boost Juice asks if you’d like to up-size for 50 cents, and you tearfully decline because you know you … Continue reading “I own a house but not an avocado” – How one heroic millennial flipped the script and got rich slow.
Very important TV update. I, a man – as evidenced by the baggie of beef jerky I keep in my office desk drawer – recently watched the final of The Bachelor Australia, mate. There are traditionally two ways to discuss The Bachelor: there’s the high-brow way, the “what does this show say about the modern state of feminism? Of romance in the disposable age of … Continue reading I watched “The Bachelor”: A courageous man’s perspective.
“Youths” what a bunch of jerks. Amirite my fellow office professionals? Amirite my Powerpoint Party People!!? No, you’re right. Stigmatizing groups based on their age is both ‘profiling’ and a micro-aggression and I apologize for my Tweet. I was hacked. But they are. University kids specifically. After not thinking about my college (which in the Australian sense, refers to a dorm-type community on a larger … Continue reading The college years/ I am so smrt! I am so smrt!
I don’t like reading fiction, and yet “My dad was probably a spy” was the opening sentence I used for the self-written email introduction I was required to write when I joined my place of employment. Everyone at my office, when they join, is required to write a few illuminating paragraphs about themselves. And be funny or die. The idea being that everyone else can learn … Continue reading How to write more good/ I’m a fairy. I’m a fairy.
The English are a silly people. Not necessarily in a bad way, just in how they never ever, ever, ever seem to conform to expectations. There’s an image the wider world has of the British, of tea-sipping tweeness. Croquet and cricket. Beatrix Potter-themed crockery. “His Lord and Ladyship politely request your attendance to the philharmonic box social for corgis. A carriage has been arranged to escort you … Continue reading Sports!: Australia losing to England/ England then loses to England