Bali is the cliché holiday destination for Australians. Like Ibiza to the British or Cancun to Americans, Bali island has long been the tropical place of preference for young tourists to get monstrously drunk every night and so lower the locals opinion of their visitors’ respective nations. “If your nation is so developed” ask the locals “why do you keep throwing up in our cabs?” … Continue reading Are you for scuba?: Not “finding myself” in Bali
“I wish to be a proactive and engaged member of a dynamic team” is what someone I was interviewing once said to me. And she wasn’t even kidding. If she was being witheringly sarcastic I would have hired her on the spot thinking, “She’s like me! Another acolyte for my brood of cynical assholes mwhahahaha!” But alas she was serious. “She’s a martian” I thought. … Continue reading How to interview for job good/ “Dotail-oriented”
“Blaceblook”, a company by “Blark Bluckerblerg” is an incredibly creative pseudonym I’ve bestowed on a certain social networking company. Because I have to go to their office three or four times a year for work-related snacks and drinks and product training, I want to avoid causing offence. They’re a great business partner, they provide quality service, they have great duck pancakes. I could be talking … Continue reading My office blanket fort/ “Faux pas”
Buying your first home in Sydney? It can help to slightly adjust expectations down. Think less “apartment from Friends” and more “house from the Flintstones.” Believe me, you’ll feel better and won’t actively recoil when the first weekend of looking fails to meet your elevator loft expectations. You have to… compromise. Sydney ranks number 2 in the whole world for housing unaffordability, just behind Hong Kong where $1m … Continue reading I bought a house/ Puppy bunny best friends
“They don’t make ’em like they used to: racist.” “Back in the good ol’ days… polio.” “When I was your age… wolves ate grandma.” It’s dangerous to play the nostalgia game as every single era has its share of terrible, terrible awfulness. It’s generally best to avoid claiming ‘Your day’ was in any way superior to today. For most people, today is the best time to be … Continue reading 90’s Kid/ Old man yells at cloud
The dog I imagined I’d one day have would be at least medium-sized, fast and agile, with sharp, intelligent eyes, and a sleek, flowing mane. A Border Collie ideally, or otherwise a hound of similar classical handsomeness that might bear a striking resemblance to Pierce Brosnan. My dog wouldn’t have some foofy dog name like Scooter or Beanie or Blue. He would have a 19th … Continue reading All dogs are therapy dogs
Hip indie flick “The Descent” has a 700 word plot summary on Wikipedia which I can condense down to its component parts whilst still capturing the full flavor: “They hike up to a cave entrance and descend”, “collapses”, “trapping them”, “breaks her leg”, “neck ripped out”, “Beth begs Sarah to euthanize her”, “psychotic breakdown”, “dragged back and eaten alive”, “Sarah has reached a dead end.” … Continue reading My descent/ How I found religion whilst caving.
The two laziest ethnic slurs are probably “Chinaman” and “Whiteboy.” Lazy, because they’re both just saying what someone is. Interestingly, I’ve been called both. Which should be technically impossible, but the problem you see, is that I am beige. A daywalker. I am a bi-facial. I mean a bi-racial. Or at least I thought I was until my dad told me this most recent Christmas … Continue reading This Christmas, I found out I was part black/ Santa brings the gift of racial ambiguity
“I was afraid I was going to die and then I was afraid I wasn’t” – Cormac McCarthy, Blood Meridian. 2016. Where were you, when you found out I wouldn’t be receiving my present of Christmas turkey from my work? Up yours, 2016. It’s all my fault of course, for having the audacity to be away on the only day they distribute the company gifts of holiday-themed … Continue reading The collective face plant of 2016/ Hopeful predictions for 2017
“The four cornerstones of the American political psyche are 1) emotion substituted for thought, 2) fear, 3) ignorance and 4) propaganda” – Joe Bageant, “Deer Hunting with Jesus: Dispatches from America’s Class War”, 2008 To be fair to our American friends and cousins, the above quote can reasonably be attributed to every single nation on Earth; from fair, gentle Sweden through to the iron hammer … Continue reading Picking a bigger bully: Who reaaaaaly voted for Trump? Who indeed…
Hello friend, do you wish to be as wealthy as me? Do you wish to feel the loving embrace of financial security? Of knowing you’ll always have a roof over your head, warm meals, and a comfortable retirement? Do you hesitate when the server at your local Boost Juice asks if you’d like to up-size for 50 cents, and you tearfully decline because you know you … Continue reading “I own a house but not an avocado” – How one heroic millennial flipped the script and got rich slow.
Very important TV update. I, a man – as evidenced by the baggie of beef jerky I keep in my office desk drawer – recently watched the final of The Bachelor Australia, mate. There are traditionally two ways to discuss The Bachelor: there’s the high-brow way, the “what does this show say about the modern state of feminism? Of romance in the disposable age of … Continue reading I watched “The Bachelor”: A courageous man’s perspective.
“Youths” what a bunch of jerks. Amirite my fellow office professionals? Amirite my Powerpoint Party People!!? No, you’re right. Stigmatizing groups based on their age is both ‘profiling’ and a micro-aggression and I apologize for my Tweet. I was hacked. But they are. University kids specifically. After not thinking about my college (which in the Australian sense, refers to a dorm-type community on a larger … Continue reading The college years/ I am so smrt! I am so smrt!
I don’t like reading fiction, and yet “My dad was probably a spy” was the opening sentence I used for the self-written email introduction I was required to write when I joined my place of employment. Everyone at my office, when they join, is required to write a few illuminating paragraphs about themselves. And be funny or die. The idea being that everyone else can learn … Continue reading How to write more good/ I’m a fairy. I’m a fairy.
The English are a silly people. Not necessarily in a bad way, just in how they never ever, ever, ever seem to conform to expectations. There’s an image the wider world has of the British, of tea-sipping tweeness. Croquet and cricket. Beatrix Potter-themed crockery. “His Lord and Ladyship politely request your attendance to the philharmonic box social for corgis. A carriage has been arranged to escort you … Continue reading Sports!: Australia losing to England/ England then loses to England