Predictions for 2016/ Everyone gets fat

The future. Immense and unknowable. Truly, who can predict what is is to come? Me. I can.

 

  1. By this point, all New Year’s resolutions will have failed.
  2. Gun control is tentatively introduced in America following the tragic death of Grumpy Cat, who was caught in cross fire whilst touring an elementary school.
  3. Facebook users around the world add a Grumpy Cat filter to their Facebook profile pics in support.
  4. Fine dining will reach its peak, as restaurants introduce fully deconstructed menu items, such as “Deconstructed maple bacon”, consisting of a map to Canada and a live pig, which is getting away.
  5. #cleaneating will also reach its peak, as vegans resort to inhaling essence of cucumber water through bamboo pan pipes for all their nutritional needs.
  6. Staff at trendy cafes will thoughtfully raise customers to the ceiling via rope pulleys, allowing them to take better Instagram shots of their latte art.iccbiki
  7. Peace in the Middle East – The reign of Bashar al-Assad comes to an end after the Syrian dictator is killed in a gorilla attack.
  8. Do you mean “Guerrilla” attack?
  9. Nope, actual gorillas whilst seeking shelter in the state zoo.
  10. VR will enter the mainstream living room, allowing people to simulate going outside, sunshine and the resultant melanoma.
  11. Rising sea levels will tragically claim the infinity pools of rich jerks living on Sydney Harbour.
  12. Apple will release a new tech to their product line: The Xbox. “Yes, we totally invented it” CEO Tim Cook will claim.
  13. All the Kardashians finally receive life bans from the NBA after triggering an on-court fist-fight amongst the Houston Rocket’s starting five.
  14. A social media viral hashtag campaign will finally raise awareness of, and fix, all the world’s problems forever.
  15. 23-year-old University grad, Liam Bertridge of Liverpool, will post a lengthy solution to global wealth inequality between the West and “the rest” to Facebook, getting more than 80 likes.
  16. Liam’s solution to how he’ll afford to move out of his parents’ house meanwhile, will remain elusive.
  17. The cheerleader half-time shows will continue to make dads sitting with their family uncomfortable.
  18. Buzzfeed finally fully transitions into an image depository of shirtless men, as intended.
  19. Someone, somewhere, will be offended by a tweet.
  20. A rise in “healthy body image” hash tagging causes an over-correction in eating habits, resulting in Western obesity rates rising from its current 60% of the population to “total”.1wale
  21. A more “rounded” former body builder, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will enter the presidential race.
  22. “I’b like to run for Presibleb of the Unibleb States of Ameribleb. Blrb-blb-bleb.” The former The Rock will annouce from a beanbag chair.
  23. The Presidency however, is surprisingly won by Survivor host, Jeff Probst after beating Donald Trump through a hedge maze in a battle of former reality-TV hosts. Tyra Banks fails to place.
  24. Miss Universe host, Steve Harvey accidentally announces himself as the winner.giphy
  25. In the Rio Olympics, North Korea elects to send only their finest athlete, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, who is disqualified from the 100m hurdles when the starter gun spooks his horse.
  26. The Olympic basketball men’s final is abandoned after Steph Curry’s 20th 3pt shot of the match causes the ball to burst into flames.
  27. All the medal ceremony national anthems will be remixed by David Guetta with “sick beat drops.”zyhaa8k
  28. Vladimir Putin anoints himself as the cover model of every edition of Men’s Heath Russia.
  29. Hacker group, Anonymous claims victory over ISIS after successfully swapping all their Twitter profiles to dick pics.
  30. After being rescued from Mars, a black hole and World War II, in his latest film Matt Damon’s character is heroically rescued from awkward small-talk at an office picnic.
  31. The MTV VMA’s descends into farce after Miley Cyrus strikes Nicky Minaj with a dildo.
  32. Nicky responds that evening with “shade” on Twitter.
  33. Whilst trying to take a more spectacular Snapchat selfie, high school senior Jennifer Smitherton of Orange County, is eaten by a bear.
  34. Controversially, an internet artist “re-imagines” Disney Princesses as having “jobs”. And yet, the internet doesn’t “break.”
  35. Despite the incessant bleating of click-bait writers, science confirms that the only things that can actually “break the internet” are “solar flares” and “Electro Magnetic Pulse” weaponry.
  36. Kim Kardashian asks her Instagram followers where she can buy an Electro Magnetic Pulse weaponry.
  37. Later that day, Kim Kardashian is revealed as the new face of Lockheed Martin.
  38. In an attempt to keep the British Monarchy ‘relevant’ in the modern age, Dan Blizerian is hired to run the Royal Instagram account.
  39. The Royal Instagram account is aborted after Prince Harry jokingly hurls a porn star off the Windsor Castle ramparts and into the moat.
  40. Coconut Oil is found to be the only cure for ice-cream headaches, hiccups and getting annoying songs out of your head.coconut-oil-quote
  41. The campaign against sugar reaches new heights after it’s revealed to be the leading cause of diabetes and white privilege.
  42. Urban hipsters abandon beards for not being ‘feminist.”
  43. In place of beards, male hipsters confusingly start wearing bras in solidarity ironically.
  44. However, they are immediately attacked on Jezebel by feminist “Free the nipple” campaigners.
  45. Former President Barack Obama spends his first month out of office live tweeting a tour of wine country with Sir Patrick Stewart.
  46. Apple tweaks the auto opt ins on the new Apple Watch after Taylor Swift accidentally live streams a lengthy bathroom break on Periscope.
  47. Man it’s hard to think up 50 things.
  48. OK, just two more. How about…
  49. Screw
  50. Flanders

It’s going to be an exciting year! tumblr_inline_ntl71kgabi1s213pt_500

Good luck.